No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
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Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?