If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.