[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: