I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
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[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Brb my Sims are getting married
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.