Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
when you are just born a rebel
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT