When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
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SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
#MeanwhileinCanada
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone