Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
me after drinking all the wine:
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.