Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
fair
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight