*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Saturday
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.