To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
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Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous