My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.