[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.