Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
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I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron