11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Solving a traffic jam
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Yup….perfect score!
Mistakes were made
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire