*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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Very problematic
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Meow
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour