building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
There are no pants in heaven.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it