I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop