Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
adam and eve had first world problems
BETRAYAL
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer