Don’t snitch tag.
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello