The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.