Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
scared to check what name she chose
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.