“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.