When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
You Might Also Like
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Was it something I said?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend