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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69