If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”