Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Mood.. 😂
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
*sewing*
A thread
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up