Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Ape together strong
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk