‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
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waiting for halloween be like:
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
this post was so formative to me
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
iPhone X
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”