Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
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[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Wait for it
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???