The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
We found love in a hopeless place.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks