Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Breaking news:
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies