“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
The struggle is real.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.