I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
real
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.