ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead