“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Its a hippotatomus
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice