I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.