Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done