You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
You Might Also Like
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My favorite female superhero
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.