wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off