I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
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Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago