necessity is the mother of invention
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.