me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.