If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
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[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
no cat here
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Customize Your Wedding.