My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
lmaaaaaooooooooo