Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
No laws when master is gone
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me :
All Day At Night