Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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