flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
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I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies