What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Camping tip: No.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I don’t think my car can fly
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.