THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
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I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
first you must answer his riddles