That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.